I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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