saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
