Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
