his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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