i think i have two assholes
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
