her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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