Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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