I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
sick fucks of a feather flock together
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
