Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
