I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize