I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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