Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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