Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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