I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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