This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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