Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
