used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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