WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
