I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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