if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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