just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
