I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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