You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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