I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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