I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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