he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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