At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
