Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
