his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
