So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
