So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
