Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
