is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I will be naked everywhere
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
