i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
