i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
