I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
