If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
