My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize