someone get that fucking seahorse.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
