I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
