I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We left the knife in your bed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
