note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
