I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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