see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
