UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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