I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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