Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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