dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
