I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
