babies were throwing up all over the place
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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