Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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