I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
