i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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