Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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