What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
