Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
