i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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