He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
