Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
