Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
