sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
