It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
