I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
